i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My brain says no but my pants say off.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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