We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
