I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
