I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
