Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
