I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
