I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
