God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
