i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
