I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize