when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she smelled like a LAN party
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
