I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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