More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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