I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize