Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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