sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
