Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
