Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
