genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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