you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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