I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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