I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
