Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize