I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
