I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
