She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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