I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I love how my cats smell like pot.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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