oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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