Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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