i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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