he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
