I met the friendliest cop last night
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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