a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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