The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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