I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
