Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
