At least make sure they are 18
Why
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So squirting runs in the family.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
