it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
