You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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