Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
