she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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