Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
