I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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