Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
