we're chasing vodka with high fives
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
