some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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