Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
