Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
