Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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