Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
