soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize