Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Boobs are out for the taking
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
