Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
