If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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