I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
