I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
