okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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