is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
