I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize