Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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