Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
