My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Randomize
