and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm experimenting with sincerity
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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