How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
