I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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