Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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