I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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