woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
