Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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