did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
