the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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