I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize